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Who's On First? by Abbott And Costello
Abbott: How do you...how do you like my lawn club for St. Lou?
Costello: Hey, all those people gonna be at the game today?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Ah, this is gonna be a whopper of a game!
Abbott: Well it should be.
Costello: Hey, Abbott...
Abbott: What?
Costello: I understand they made you the manager of this here whole great team.
Abbott: Why not?
Costello: So you the manager?
Abbott: I'm the manager!
Costello: Well, you know, I'd like to know some of the guys' names on the team so when I meet 'em on the street or in the ballpark I'll be able to say, "Hello," to those people.
Abbott: Why sure I'll introduce you to the boys. They give 'em funny names though, St. Lou.
Costello: Oh I know they give those ball players awful funny names.
Abbott: Well, let's see, on the team we have uh Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys' names?
Abbott: I sure do.
Costello: Then tell me the guys' names.
Abbott: I say, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third and then you...
Costello: You the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You know the guys' names?
Abbott: I'm telling you their names!
Costello: Well who's on first?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playin' first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: What are you askin' me for? I'm askin' you!
Abbott: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Costello: You ain't tellin' me nothin'. I'm askin' you, who's on first?
Abbott: That's it!
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy on first base.
Abbott: That's his name.
Costello: That's whose name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's the man's name!
Costello: That's whose name?
Abbott: Yeah!
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me!
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: What are you askin' me for? I'm askin' you, who's on first?
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: What's the guy's name on first?
Abbott: No, What's on second.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second!
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: That's what I'm askin' you! Who's on first?
Abbott: Now wait a minute. Don't...don't change the players.
Costello: I'm not changin' nobody! I asked you a simple question. What's the guys' name on first base?
Abbott: What's the guy's name on second base.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second!
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third. Now we're not talking about him.
Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Then tell me the fella's name playin' first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playin' first.
Abbott: That's his name.
Costello: Wait...What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott: What is the guy's name on second base!
Costello: Who's playin' second?
Abbott: Who's playin' first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third base.
Costello: Look, when you pay off the first baseman every month, who do you pay the money to?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: Yeah. Look, you gotta pay the money to somebody on first base, don't you?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Does he give you a receipt?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: How does he sign the receipt?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that you give the money to.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy you give the money to.
Abbott: That's how he signs it.
Costello: That's how who signs it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me!? Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: When you give the guy the money, doesn't he have to sign the receipt?
Abbott: He does!
Costello: Well how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy you give the money to.
Abbott: That's how he signs it!
Costello: You! You...You just don't give money to someone without having 'em sign the receipt!
Abbott: No! Who signs it.
Costello: What are you askin' me for?
Abbott: Now calm down. I'm not asking you, I am telling you. The...
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. What's the guy's name that signs the receipt on first base?
Abbott: Well now wait a minute. What signs his own receipt.
Costello: Who signs his own receipt?
Abbott: No, Who signs his.
Costello: I'm askin' you, when the guy on first base gives you a piece of paper...
Abbott: Yes, now wait...
Costello: ...he puts his name on it.
Abbott: No, Who puts his name on it...
Costello: How...
Abbott: ...and what puts his name on it...
Costello: How does the fella's name on first base look to you when he signs his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: To you.
Abbott: That's how it does.